from Glasgow

Excerpt from Hotel Caledonia, scene 5
Peter Arnott, Alan Bissett, David Greig, Rona Munro, Morna Pearson & Alan Wilkins


Svetlana: But I thought Scotland hated England?

Manager: Aye they do, but that’s just a pastime. Scots save their real venom for other Scots.

Svetlana: Explain.

Manager: Right, well, the Huns hate the Tims and the Tims hate the Huns. The Highlands hate Glasgow and Glasgow hates –

Svetlana: The Highlands?

Manager: Edinburgh.

Svetlana: Does Edinburgh hate Glasgow?

Manager: Naw, Edinburgh hates tourists. The Scots who stay hate the Scots who leave. The Scots who leave hate the Scots who stay. Scottish Scots hate the wans who sound English. Anglo Scots hate the wans who sound Scottish. (…)

Svetlana: This is more complicated than I thought.

Manager: Ye’ll get the hangay it. Let’s try a wee test. What school did you go to?

Svetlana: Saint Peter’s.

Manager: So you were home-educated! How interesting.

Svetlana: No, I said –

Manager: What football team do you support?

Svetlana: Moscow Dynamo.

Manager: Ah, Partick Thistle! They’re doing well in the league. What do you think of Scotland’s chances in the World Cup?

Svetlana: Shit.

Manager: Correct. You’ll be fine. (Exits.)